I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
