i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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