im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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