i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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