Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
