Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize