I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
