my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
