I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
