you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
