I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
