just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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