if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
