i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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