the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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