New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
