Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
