The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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