My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
