I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
