Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
