Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
