Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
