I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
