Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
3pm strippers are depressing
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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