alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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