So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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