Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
