do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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