I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize