then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
