Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
