i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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