Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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