The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Pooping to opera.
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