all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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