Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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