I smell stomach acid.
My cat gives me a boner
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
