I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
