i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Im part way to drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize