how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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