You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
