It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She told me I should be a condom model.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
