Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
