nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
