I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
