I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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