I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
