I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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