Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
