WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
