Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
