Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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