Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
