Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
