When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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