That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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