as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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