make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
