The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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