# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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