and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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