New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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