don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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